Weekend Trial

Lonya and I had AKC agility this weekend.  I think I'm very glad that I had agility this weekend and have it next weekend too.  The distraction it provides is very needed....it's still difficult to be at home sometimes.  And I went out to dinner with friends, and that helps too...I don't have much of a appetite now, but when I'm out I do better.

There were several people at the trial this weekend who hadn't heard about Kal-El yet...or who hadn't had a chance to talk to me yet about him.  So, more word got around this weekend.  I appreciate those who want to talk to me about him, and are okay with me tearing up.  And I also can understand the people who don't quite know what to say...  But, it is good for me to run the dogs...it helps me forget for a bit.  Though, I do still feel a bit guilty that I'm out having fun without Kal...  That's gonna happen though.

So, the trial.  Lonya was just awesome!!  She has grown up SO much in the last few months, I'm kind of thinking it's been since her second heat cycle.  She's more "dog" now than "puppy".  She still has puppy moment, but it really seems like she's figured out her job.

She was in Novice Jumpers With Weaves and Novice Standard on Saturday.  We ran Jumpers first.  She did very well!   She did blind cross me (she thought we were going one way and crossed behind me to get back on track.).  She also called off a tunnel well, even though she slipped when she did it.  She only ran around one jump and got her weaves on the first try (which she actually did all weekend!).  She Qd for her first NAJ leg!



Standard was also very nice.  I choose to run it differently than most people, what else is new.  But, I thought the "normal" way of running the opening risked a collision at the exit of the tunnel, which I didn't want to do with her.  So, I ran behind the tunnel, so I didn't have to cross.  Slightly longer for me, but it worked great!  (I love it when that happens!  LOL)  She ran around the AFrame the first time for a refusal.  She also got a refusal at the teeter, but it was 100% totally MY fault.  I front crossed her, which she did great!, and ended up out of position.  I heard the judge laugh when I told Lonya as we were running that that refusal was all my fault!   But, she still Qd and that was the 3rd leg for her NA!!

Sunday, we had Novice JWW again and I moved her to Open Standard.  Jumpers was great again!!  She held a 2 jump lead out.  She did go sniff the ring crew for a second (he was sitting right where she was running toward him after landing).  But, she got back on track quickly.  She again, ran around one jump (when I rear crossed), but fixed it well.  She Qd again for her second NAJ leg.

Standard was a tough course, it only had a couple of changes from the Excellent course (from what I could see since I didn't walk the Excellent course).  I really didn't think she'd have much chance on it, but figured we could see what we could do.  She came VERY close to Qing!!  She had 1 refusal and 1 off course.   I thought you were only allowed one mistake, so had thought we had NQd already.  I was wrong, but it didn't really matter since I still ran her like normal.  She ended up NQing on the table, when she jumped up on me!  She got all the hard stuff and NQd on a silly thing!!  She didn't run by the frame and did 12 weaves for the first time in competition.  I was thrilled with her!



I'd like to get her weaves faster, and need to work a bit more on the Aframe.  But, man, she really impressed me this weekend.

CPE photos

Sparrow:

My favorite photo of Sparrow

Overjump anyone???

Pretty girl

Tire shot

Who says you need to see where you're going?

Lonya:

Over!

Only one paw on the teeter (makes me cringe a bit!)

She's a gazelle!

A nice tire shot

Turning over the jump

Catching up to Mom!

Happy happy girlie!

Another tunnel shot

I love the nubbin sticking up in this one!

Heading your way!

Concentrating in the poles.

Ups and downs

Some days are better than others...this one was one of the better ones.

The girls gave me some excitement when I got home...Sparrow and Lonya somehow managed to catch a small bunny in the back yard.  I thought they were just playing chase with each other...and when the screaming started, I got a bit freaked!  Fortunately, they were in one of the areas where there is some light, so I was able to see they had something.  I was able to call them off it and it kind of stumbled a bit...that was too much for Lonya, so I had to pick her up.  Sparrow called off it a second time.  It was kind of hobbling away, so I put the two of them (Chey was oblivious to it all) in the house to see if I could catch it.  Of course, I couldn't find it when I got back out there (much to the girls chagrin...they were raising a ruckus in the house!).  So, I got Lonya's leash and let her track the bunny and lead me to it.  That actually worked!   So, back in the house for her and I caught the bunny in a rubbermaid.  I took it to the marshy area across the street and let it go.  It hopped away, so I hope it'll be okay.  Man, I hate the noise rabbits make!  This is only the second time I can remember hearing rabbits scream...it's not a good sound!

Still haven't found Kal's leash, but I didn't get as much done around the house this past weekend.  Hopefully I'll find it this weekend.

Another favorite Kal memory...I have some running pants that I usually wear to agility trials.  I have several different pairs.  I like them because I can wear shorts under them and they have zippers at the cuffs so I can get them off over my shoes easily.  Kal knew that these were "dog show pants".  If I put them on, he just KNEW we were going to a trial...and he wouldn't go to his room.  If I happened to want to wear them for another reason (like to go birding or somewhere else where I'd want to be able to change quickly), I couldn't put them on until after I put him away...otherwise he would try to insist that he was going with me...after all, I was wearing the dog show pants!

The goofy things that made me love my boy...

Not a good weekend

I brought Kal's ashes home tonight...I know it's not really him, but still, many more tears.  It's been that way much of the weekend though...I guess I feel that I don't have to pretend at home.  I don't have to put up a front that everything is okay, cause you know what, it's NOT okay!  I'm not okay.  The situation is not okay.  Nothing is okay.

I took Kal's stuff out of the van and put it away.  I also put away his CPE score sheet and the vet report.  I got some photos printed up for that picture frame, and may have some others to choose from soon too.  His leash wasn't in the van, so it must be in the house somewhere.  I'll try to find it tonight.

So, I need to write some happy memories...

Kal liked most people, but there were a few people that he really loved...that he included in his inner circle.  Our trialing partner Cherie was one of his most favorite people.  He would always get SO excited when he saw her at a trial, he'd lunge and pull me towards her, moaning and yowling at her.  We'd have to watch to make sure he didn't hurt her or knock her over!  Cherie let me and my dogs camp with her in her camper.  We had to block my dogs into part of the camper away from where Cherie was sleeping, or Kal would go check on her throughout the night.  We would always laugh in the morning, when we got up.  It was like Kal-El would forget while he was sleeping that we were camping with Cherie.  When he realized that he was in the camper with Cherie, he'd get so excited he could hardly stand it.  He'd whine and try to get to her to say hi, and the thumping his tail would make on the sides of the camper seemed loud enough to wake up everyone else!  He really made sure his friends knew that he liked them!

He had his eating and drinking quirks too.  He never ever swallowed that last lap of water...he'd walk away with it dripping out of his mouth.  After slipping and almost falling several times, I figured out where to put the water bowl for my safety.  I had to put it between the toilet and the tub, so when he was done, he had to back out of there.  That made him drip (mostly) over the bathmat.

Until Lonya came along, every time Kal would eat, he'd have to go rub his face on things right after he was done.  He preferred his bed or a pillow, he'd make do with a blanket or laundry if he had too.  And, if nothing was available, he come to me so I could rub his face for him.  I think he didn't like having the food in his teeth., where it would get stuck up by his molars.  Once Lonya came along though, she would take care of that for him!  She would come up to him and, even though he'd growl and snarl at her, she'd put her head in his mouth and lick his teeth to get all the loose food out.  He would sound like he hated it, but he let her do it every time, and I think he actually liked it!  I thought as Lonya grew up, she'd stop doing this, but she didn't...she'd always go clean his teeth for him.

Day by day

Yesterday was a bad day...I was fighting back tears much of the night at work and was just in an overall depressed state.  Today was better...though still not great.  I'm surprised how sometimes I can talk about Kal and what happened so easily, without tears or emotion...other times I can't hardly think about him without choking back tears.  I think the numbness is starting to wear off...

I "need" to do a few things this weekend.  I came across Kal's cool coat in the van over the weekend.  I need to move that out of there.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, but for now, I'll put it away...out of sight.  I need to record the girls Qs from last weekend...but I know that Kal's record sheet is right there with the girls' sheets.  I need to put that away out of sight too.  And I need to find Kal's leash.  It's been missing for a little while, but now I really want to find it, again, to put it out of sight so I don't stumble across it in a few weeks or months.  The leash will probably go with Kal's ashes in his urn, when I get it.  I don't actually have his ashes back yet, but expect that I should get them soon.  I may call the clinic to see when I can figure for them to get them back...

I bought a picture frame at the trial last weekend, and I want to find the perfect photo for it.  I have a couple of CDs of photos to go through.  And if I can't find it there, I'll start going through the photos online from the various photographers from the trials.

And, I want to make a memorial page for Kal-El on my website.  This will be very very hard...I have a couple of poems/sayings for it and a general idea of what I want to do...but I think moving Kal's name from under the "white shepherds" heading to "in memory" is going to hurt a lot.

The girls are doing well.  Lonya has started to pick up the food bowls for me if I ask her to, though she doesn't like Sparrow's (I think it's too smooth).  And Sparrow is moving into her role as Cheyenne's hearing ear dog.  I've been leaving Sparrow in the dog room with Cheyenne when I leave, and Spar's getting better about going to that room.  Chey definitely seems calmer having Sparrow with her, which is good.  I'm toying with the idea of moving Lonya's crate to that room also, to have them all together (and give me more room in the living room), but that'll wait a week or two.

It's a short weekend for me this week, which is probably good.  And the two weekends after are both agility weekends, also probably good.  I think keeping busy is best for me right now...

Sigh...

The first night at work wasn't too too bad.  A few tough moments, but it's done.

It was hard to get home and not hear Kal yodeling for me.  When I would put my key in the door, I always would listen for Lonya moving in her crate in the living room and Kal yodeling in the dog room.  It was always such a nice welcome home...!

One of the other things he would do on work days, if I was carpooling, is wait for the car to get to the driveway.  I'd open the blinds so I could see when he got here, and Kal would watch with me.  It was the only car, other than mine, that Kal wouldn't bark at.  He'd sit or stand at the window, and as soon as he saw the car, he'd wheel around and run back to his room....sometimes he'd let me know the car was there because he'd be hauling ass down the hall way..he wanted his cookie!  (They all get cookies when I leave to go to work).   He was starting to teach this to Lonya...she would wait with him at the window.

Favorites and memories

I know that parents aren't supposed to have a favorite child...and dog owners aren't supposed to have a favorite dog.  But, I think we all know that it's just impossible for there to not be a favorite.  What does it say about a dog when he was so heavily your favorite...that now that he's gone, you don't really know who's your favorite now?  Don't get me wrong, I love my girls dearly.  But God, I loved that boy.  There's just something about a big goofy shepherd boy.  They are such momma's boys...especially when their mom is the only person in the house.

Kal seemed to know the silly things that he did that made me laugh...or just love him even more.  Simple things, like the "lean"...he was a pro at the shepherd lean.  He'd lean so hard into my legs that if I moved, he'd almost fall over.  And he would lay with me in bed, and look at me upside down, with his head flipped all the way back, and wag his tail.  That killed me every time, so so sweet.  Or when he really wanted something, he would sit very prim and proper...just wagging the very tip of his tail.  And, for whatever reason, it just tickled me to no end to see my big white boy playing with squeaky toys.  He was generally such a dignified dog...but if he had one of his favorite squeakies, he'd be just like a puppy again.  I'm sure there are a million more....

I've had a few people mention that they aren't able to read this blog, and I understand that.  I'm barely able to write it...  But, I do believe that a part of me is afraid that I'm going to forget some of the little things as time passes, and that's so not fair to Kal.  He deserves to have every little thing remembered...every quirk, every nuance, every accomplishment.  

I have to attempt to reenter the "normal" world tomorrow.  Fortunately, I think (hope) my co-workers all know what happened, and they're all animal people who know how important Kal was in my life.  

Trial today and other stuff

Today was better than yesterday.  Not quite so many tears, and no real meltdowns.  It was still hard, but it was good for me to be around people...and not in the house.  It's hard to be in the house...  Long drives are hard, I wept most of the way to the trial.  I wore a new pin that a friend gave me...it's a pewter dog angel.  It was a nice reminder of my boy.

I felt better running today...though still guilty that I was at a trial without Kal.  Sparrow had 2 runs, snooker and colors.  They were the 2nd and 5th classes.  Snooker was in the AM, when it was still pretty cool out.  There was a decent path that involved doing all tunnels in the opening, with a back to back tunnel after the last red (as a tunnel was #2).  Nice smooth closing too.  Sparrow was SO happy this run.  I don't think she quite believed me when I kept sending her to tunnels!  She did the puppy gallop and was just a crazy girl after the run.  I took her to an open area and just played with her after she was done...she was bucking, running to the end of her leash, play bowing, growling, just all out being a nut job.  She Q'd with a second place.  Her colors run was alright.  It was a tough course, you had to choose a difficult weave entry bypassing a tunnel or a 3 jump sequence doing two tight 180s.  And it was hotter out!  I choose the weave one, and Sparrow wasn't too happy that I called her off the tunnel!  She ran around one jump, but I fixed it.  She ended up Qing, one second over time.

Lonya did very well also.  She had 2 runs too, standard and jumpers.  3rd and 4th classes of the day.  Standard she NQ'd early (wasn't even CLOSE to hitting the down contact of the dogwalk!) so I played a bit.  She caught a front cross well and did her weaves the first time.  She ran by the Aframe again, so I did make her fix that.  She did it fine the second time.  I can't really remember much else about that run...but it was fun.  Her Jumpers run only had one mistake, which I had her fix.  It was a really nice, smooth, fast course.  She missed the first tunnel entry, twice.  When she missed it the second time, I was a little harsh in getting her attention back to me, but she responded and did the tunnel.  The rest of the course she did very fast!  And I could see her make a decision to take a jump rather than run around it...she had to change her direction at the last moment to take it.  Her time was 24 sec, course time was around 37...so even after screwing around at the tunnel, she was well under time.  She Qd with a first place.   She's really matured a lot in the last few months...and it was nice to hear several people tell me that.

Chey seemed stressed when I got home, though she wasn't howling when I got here (like she was yesterday). There were some interesting things that happened not too long after I got home.  At one point, I saw Lonya cleaning Chey's eyes and face.  She used to do this to Kal...never saw her do it to another dog.  Chey tolerated it for a bit, then was done and told Lonya so.  Lonya persisted and Chey snapped at her.  Sparrow got between them, then sucked up to Chey.  Lonya left Chey be after that.

When I went out for a short time a while later, I decided to leave Sparrow in the dog room with Chey (Spar normally goes in my bedroom).  Spar was a bit confused, but once she got her cookies, she was fine.  She didn't seem too put out when I got home, and Chey definitely seemed happier.  I think Kal was Chey's ears, more than I realized.  Chey can't hear me get home, and I end up surprising her when I open the door to let her out of the dog room.  So, I'm hoping Sparrow will be okay with being Chey's new ears...

Beginning to heal

We went to the agility trial today.  It wasn't easy, and I almost turned around right before I got there.  The first couple of hours were hard...very hard.  There were lots of tears and lots of hugs and lots of stories about my boy.  Several people mentioned that he was the first white shepherd that they had ever seen, how beautiful he was, and how he was such a good dog.  Fortunately, the word had gotten around on Friday, so most of the people there that I know, already knew.  I did okay most of the day.  I had one major meltdown, that fortunately was only witnessed by one person (or others who saw were kind enough to pretend they didn't).  And I think my sunglasses hid the minor random tears triggered by things.  Walking out onto the standard course for the walk thru prior to Lonya's run was hard...my next standard run was supposed to be Kal's.

My girls did very well, better than I was expecting, especially Lonya.  Sparrow ran both her runs first.  Her Jackpot was very nice.  She was slow in the opening, her feet seemed a bit sore from her allergy.  But, she was the first dog of the class to get the gamble.  And gambles are not her specialty.  She was one point short of what she needed in the opening, but it was a nice run.  Her colors run was pretty good also, she ran around one jump and I choose not to fix it.  We weren't running for Qs today, we were running to try to get things a bit back to normal.

I wasn't sure I would run Lonya at all...she's still so new to the sport, I wasn't sure it was fair to her to ask her to run when I wasn't myself.  I decided to try it and just go in and ask her to run, but not fix things.  She did so so well.  Both runs would have been Qs if I had fixed her single bobble in each.  Her colors run was really nice, she ran around a jump...when I front crossed I think.  But, the rest of it was fast and clean.  She almost ran by another jump, but fixed it.  Her time was under 14 seconds, course time was around 30.  Her other run was Standard, she again, only made one error.  She ran around the Aframe, there was a frame/tunnel discrimination and I actually thought she was going to take the tunnel.  I think she realized that was incorrect so just skipped the whole thing!  She caught a front cross really well, got her weaves on the first try, and was fast!  Under 39 sec when course time was 70.

No videos today, I didn't ask anyone to tape.  I wasn't sure what would happen, and didn't really want video evidence if I couldn't run and had to leave.

I can't believe Kal hasn't even been gone for two days yet.  I woke up this AM at almost exactly 24 hours after I let him go...  I'm seeing a couple of changes in the girls, mostly Sparrow.  I think she is trying to move into Kal's role of being our protector and leader, though she doesn't want to.  I hope that Lonya is able to take over soon..a lot to ask of a young dog, but I don't think Sparrow will be good at this job.   Sparrow has never been a dog that lunges or barks at dogs when she's in her crate, but she did that several times today...twice at a BC pup.  The pup had played with Lonya earlier, and that seemed to concern Spar, even though the play was very appropriate.   She just doesn't quite "get" what she needs to do, which doesn't surprise me, as Sparrow has never been an overly protective dog.  If she seems something outside that needs barked at, she would bark once to alert Kal, than let him take over.   I have a feeling that as the days go by, I'll be finding more and more things that Kal did to keep things running smoothly.

I plan to write about Kal here quite a bit...it's actually been good for me to write about him...even though it makes me cry.  Part of me feels guilty that we went to the trial today without him...but I really to think that he was there watching us, and telling his sisters to go easy on me this weekend.  I miss him so so much...

Losing my boy

What can you say about the best dog that you've ever owned...and probably the best one you ever will own?  Kal-El was my heart dog, the first I've had.  The moment I saw him at the airport, I knew he was put on this earth to be my dog.  He's the dog I never should have had.  I wasn't supposed to get him, but the litter I had planned on was a false pregnancy.  So, Ronda found me Kal.  It was meant to be.  Kal was a dog that would do anything that I asked of him...and I "trained" him to do several things by only asking him.  Some of his jobs were to find the cats and pick up the food bowls.  I never taught him this...I really don't know how he knew to do it.

He was the first white shepherd to do lots of things in our area.  He introduced a lot of people to the fact that german shepherds DO come in white.  I constantly have people come up to me at trials and talk to me about him...people who I don't know at all.  He was that kind of dog, the kind you remembered.  He was the first white shepherd to get a UACHX and a UGRACH, and was one leg away from being the first to get a C-ATCH.  In my heart, he got that C-ATCH.  The titles and accolades are all great, but it was the experiences he gave to me that will live on with me.

I could tell stories about Kal for hours...and still never scratch the surface about what made him, him.  He was good with all people, but if you were one of his special friends, watch out!  There was risk he'd almost knock you to the ground in his exuberance to get to you to say hi.  He was good with dogs too, he liked to play with dogs of all sizes, but if a dog snarked at him, he got his feelings hurt.  Only on a very rare occasion would he snark back, and that was only if he thought one of his sisters was being threatened.  I often jokingly called him my "perfect dog"...but really, it wasn't much of a joke.  He was almost perfect.

Kal loved to "work", no matter what I asked him to do, he tried his best.  He was a great agility dog, not the fastest one out there, but he was steady.  He saved many of our runs by making up for my poor handling.  He was a great JWW dog, which given his size, still surprises me.  He LOVED flyball, and I'll never forget people asking me if he was a wolf at our first tournament.  And the surprise of some people that we were running an intact male shepherd.  He loved to go get his ball...but then realized how far he was from me and would come running back even faster.  He really liked Rally too, more than I did actually.  It was to be our retirement sport....  Regular obedience wasn't his favorite, he hated the stays..that was too far for him to be away from me.  And an out of site stay, you're crazy if you think he'd stand for that!  Conformation was only "okay" also...while he may not have been the "best" conformation dog, his outstanding temperament won over several judges.   He did have fun the couple of times he got to play with goats and sheep.

His decline was swift and painless for him.  Less than 24 hours before his death, he was playing fetch with me in the backyard.  It is a blessing for him, I would have hated to see him suffer or linger on with a disease.  But, man, it is so hard for me.  I still hear him moving about the house, and I keep checking his sleeping spots for him.  I'm grateful that he waited until Thursday so I could be with him.  If I had been working Thursday night, I would have most likely come home to find him already gone.  I truly believe he waited so I could give him permission to go...and at the end, he still didn't want to.  It was probably the one time where he was deliberately trying to go against my wishes.   He was that type of dog...my right hand man and my son.

I hope that some day, hemangiosarcoma becomes a disease that we can say our dogs USED to die of.  I somehow knew that that is probably what would take Kal, I just didn't know that it would be this soon.  The suddenness of it all is shocking....it feels like I've been punched in the gut and I cry a lot.  The girls are handling it well, they somehow know that he is gone.  They're not looking for him or crying for him (like they did when I took him to get neutered).  They're more concerned about me, especially Lonya.  She doesn't understand why I'm crying all the time and it's upsetting her.  I'm not sure if she thinks she's the cause or not...but I'm trying to give her extra attention.  And Sparrow, bless her, is being a great big sister, playing with Lonya and distracting all of us.

If people want to share a memory of Kal, I'd be glad for you to do so here.  I really have appreciated all of the notes and messages from everyone...it helps more than you know!